Automagic Asshattery

I'm a big fan of automated attendants. What a great technology, I can call into a company and transfer to the department or person I would like to talk to, without a myriad of questions from a curious or screening secretary. Well, in theory.

I call RandomV company today to speak with tech support, and my call is answered by auto attendant #1 (female voice, we'll call it Susan). Susan says I can press 2 for sales, 5 for finance, or 7 for technical support. I hit the 7 key, hear a moment of silence, followed by a single ring, AA2, Janet (who has a much deeper robotic voice but still female), answers the phone. Janet kindly informs me that I can press 2 for sales, 5 for finance, or 7 for technical support. Eager now, knowing I must be closing in on the prize, I mash the 7 key like it's going out of style.

After a short pause, the line begins to ring. Anxiously awaiting the completion of my call, I wonder how many rings before I get to talk to my technician. Perhaps I'll be put into a queue to wait, but maybe I'll get lucky and just get right in, now that I've found the super secret back door. 5 rings, 6 rings, 7 ri.. Wait! Could it be, someone has answered! AA3, or Rick as I like to call him (not that gender refernce is particularly useful when referring to automated systems)comes on the line, and begins repeating the company mantra/prayer press 2 for sales, 5 for finance, or 7 for technical support. Quickly losing faith now, I pound that damn 7 key with everything I've got, hoping beyond hope to make it somewhere in the vicinty of the support phones.

With no delay I hear 2 short rings, and someone comes on the line. Could this be it? Have I finally proven myself worthy to be admitted into the hallowed virtual halls of V-Support? The excitement at the possibility of finally accomplishing my goal nearly overwhelms me, but I manage to retain enough lucidity to hear AA4, James, begin to speak. "Please enter the number of the individual you are calling, or press 0/stay on the line for an operator" Sudden silence on the line as James' message winds to a close. I sit, stunned, unable to comprehend the black magic technology that has allowed me to transfer myself to the Saturn office of V (who knew they had outsourced their tech support off planet?) Steeling myself for a new life experience, obtaining tech support from a Saturnian (I hope they speak english/human better than some of the Indian support folks I've worked with, no offense guys I know your trying) I hit the 0 with enough force to start an atomic chain reaction, had my desk been made of plutonium.

"We're sorry, our system operator is busy, please leave a message at the beep or try your call again later."

So what's the moral of this story? While automated systems can save a tremendous amount of time and money, they don't necessarily mean a company allows access to their technical support.

Z